These Chunks Were Made For Blowing

Wait...  What?...

I think I'm going to run out of funny titles for these posts before I run out of stuff to stay about Savage Mondo Blitzers.

For example:

THE CHUNK BLOWERS

In my last post, I talked about how I got my first Mondo Blitzers as a kid.  Well, would you believe that there was a time not long before I got my first Mondo Blitzers where I ACTUALLY TRIED TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF BUYING SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS FOR US!?  Apparently as I kid I didn't deem them appropriate for kids.  I pointed out that there were characters named Loaded Diaper, Barf Bucket, Bad Fart, Snot Shot, etc.  How milquetoast is that!?  Somehow my mom saw through my temporary insanity and got us some Mondo Blitzers anyway, and I've loved them ever since.

LOADED DIAPER

This little man was one of the characters I pointed out as being unsuitable for children (as a child myself).  I honestly don't know what I was thinking.  I mean, look at that face!  Those baby blue eyes; that sly grin; that... cigar...  And don't get me started on that darling milk gun and rattle mace!  If a smoking baby armed with adorable weapons isn't suitable for children, I don't know what is.  He's got kind of a Baby Herman vibe from Roger Rabbit going on, only he chose to become a bounty hunter instead of an actor.  And just like Cleat Meat in the last post, Loaded Diaper looks like more of a near-human than a real human.  Maybe he's from an alien race of baby-like beings that are roughly the size of an adult human.  They're more dangerous than they look, but they smell nice!  Most of the time...

DIRECT HIT

Direct Hit holds the unique distinction of being my least favorite character out of all the Savage Mondo Blitzers.  He's just not that exciting.  He's a Bon Jovi-esque rock singer riding a bomb.  He's got the typical pug-ugly face, fabulous hair, and womanly body that you would expect of a rock singer, and his bomb is tipped with what looks like a red boob.  So how does Direct Hit fit into the Mondo Blitzers world, character-wise?  I honestly have no idea.  Maybe he's a planet-hopping rock star who was booted from his band for... his explosive temper?  He joins up with similarly outcast misfits and they call themselves the Chunk Blowers.  Kinda like the Butt Kickers, instead these guys would start off fighting against our Mondo Blitzer heroes (the Concrete Breakfast Gang, as my story is playing out) before turning over a  new leaf and becoming good(ish) guys.

Best I can do with him.

TYRANNOSAURUS AX

See what I did there?  I sandwiched Direct Hit's spotlight between two better figures, so he's easier to take.  Okay, I don't hate Direct Hit.  His figure is okay.  It's just not as good as any of the others.  Anyway, it's T-Ax's turn!  Tyrannosaurus Ax looks like a simple figure at first glance, but it's the subtle details that make him shine.  For such a tiny figure, he's got three different shades of green.  I mean, you'd think they would have given him blood red eyes to match his blood red teeth.  Instead, they use a whole different color for his beady little eyes.  Also, he's a frickin' tyrannosaurus with an axe!  On one hand, that's pretty cool!  On the other hand, wouldn't a t-rex with an axe do more damage to himself than anyone else?  Seriously, those arms weren't built for long range hacking and slashing.  I guess that's where the "mondoboard" comes in.  He can cruise on in to hacking range, or just get you with a nasty bite.  Again, I don't really know how to fit Tyrannosaurus Ax into my Mondo Blitzers world.  I've already said that I don't see much variation in size between the Blitzers, so T-Ax is either a runty, juvenile t-rex who's somehow survived all these millions of years, or a clone, or an alien reptile that resembles a miniature version of the king of the dinosaurs.  Either way, he'd make a cool bounty hunting partner for Loaded Diaper.  They make quite the pair.

BIG HANS

For a figure that's one of the more plain-looking additions to the line, Big Hans always cracks me up.  His name is Big Hans!  And he... he has big hands!  You can't make this stuff up!  Well, I guess someone did make him up, but still!  Big Hans is obviously a fighter in some kind of Mutant Alien Intergalactic Wrestling League.  Let's call it that.  He could have been a regular human who defeated any opponent who stood against him, so he took an alien as his new manager, underwent some genetic tinkering, and took the the stars in search of new glory.  Turns out he also has a knack for bounty hunting, so his manager teams him up with the newly solo rock star Direct Hit to hunt space scum down and make a little extra sumpin' sumpin' on the side.  Maybe they add Loaded Diaper and Tyrannosaurus Ax to their team, and are hired by the villains of the Mondo Blitzers universe to track down the Concrete Breakfast Gang who are hiding out on Earth.  Some battles ensue, but eventually the Chunk Blowers learn that the Concrete Breakfast Gang are the good guys, and they team up with them from time to time.  That's some quality early 90's story telling, right there!

Heh heh heh...  Big Hans.  It's funny 'cause it's true!