Saturday, 13 April 2013

The Nutritional Goodness of TANG

Let's take a break from all that dinosaur talk and and have a nice delicious gulp of TANG.

I was searching for some California Raisins stuff (because I like the California Raisins) on eBay a while back when I came across these guys.  They do have a definite California Raisins vibe, but they also have giant mouths for heads.  As I've said, after eyeballs, a mouth for a head is right up my alley.

Lance, the Leader
Meet Lance, one cool set of lips!  Some call him "Hot Lips", but that's another story.  When it comes to smooth-talking, nobody comes close to the magic that Lance can lay down.  He's the biggest, he's the coolest and he was the first to discover that mouths could actually leave their faces.  His fans call him the King of Cool because nothing seems to tip his lips.  His friends follow his every word!  Lance is the only lip known to lips who can smooth-talk and sip a Tang juice box at the same time.  Tang, The Taste Your Mouth Can't Wait For!

These guys were released back in 1989 and while I can remember some pretty obscure things from back then, I can't remember these guys at all.  I do have a soft spot for old mascots, but that has nothing to do with why I like these guys.  They're just so wonderfully weird!

Flap, the Rapper
Meet Flap, the world's fastest rapper.  He raps so fast you can't even see his lips move.  Flap can talk to 42 different people on 42 different phones at the same time... all while sipping a Tang juice box.  Things have been going very well since he released his first rap single, "Read My Lips".  It immediately became a big hit.  Has all this fame and fortune gone to his lips?  No way, he still likes to raid the refrigerator with his friends.  In fact, it's his favorite thing to do.  Tang, The Taste Your Mouth Can't Wait For!

I'm assuming this was some kind of mail-away set, but I could be wrong.  The ones I got still looked like they were in their original baggies, and they came with some cards.  The cards are a little worse for wear, but the figures are pristine.  Each character has a bio on the back of their card, and I can't help but see innuendos all over them.  Maybe it's just me.

Tag, the Whistler
Tag is a good kid but a little Nerdy.  At least that's what everyone thought until they discovered that Tag can do something better than anyone else in the world, and that's whistle.  He started out doing back-up sound effects for the Lipster Sisters, a well-known local rock group.  Now he is whistling back-up on Lip Sync Annie's new single.  He teaches a class called "Magic Lips", and he's in the book of world records for whistling Beethoven's 5th Symphony in only one breath.  When someone asked Tag about his secret to success, he said, "Every time I think about a Tang juice box, my lips get excited and I just get carried away!"  Tang, The Taste Your Mouth Can't Wait For!

These first three characters make up the "Tang Trio", but there's actually a fourth figure in the set.  I guess Tang needed to add a little female flair.

Awesome Annie... Lip Sync Kid
Meet Awesome Annie, alias Lip-Sync Kid, world reknown (sp) World Lip-Sync Champion.  To date, nobody has caught up to her talent for being "fast on her lips".  She is so good you can't tell when she is lip-syncing or speaking in her own voice.  Annie's favorite saying is "Sync or Die" because she is never one to back down from any challenge.  In fact, her greatest achievement was to lip sync eight songs, skateboard, moonwalk, and chew gum all at the same time.  She is now creating her own video, "Lips to Shout", where she will co-star with Flap The Rapper.  Annie stops only long enough to rest her lips and fuel up on her favorite drink, an ice-cold Tang juice box.  Tang, The Taste Your Mouth Can't Wait For!

So here's the fourth member of the Tang Trio, with her leg-warmers and right-out-of-the-80's sweater!  I'm sorry, I just...  Their bios make me laugh.  I'll be the first to admit I have a dirty mind, but these cards just make it too easy.  "Fast on her lips"?  Yeesh.  (Ask your parents sometime, kids).

These figures came with a little "Fun & Games" activity book that has coupons and an advertisement on the back.  And to prove that marketing works, the ad does actually make me thirsty.  There's just something about that pineapple, the berries, the orange...  It makes me think, "Dammit, I need some Tang!".  The coupons expired on March 31, 1990.  I think it's hilarious that I have coupons that expired  23 years ago.  I wonder if any cashiers would notice...

I now leave you with some fun-filled activities, because this blog has it all.

Tang, The Taste Your Mouth Can't Wait For!


  1. Oh Lance, when will we ever hear the other story about why they call you Hot Lips? Does it have anything to do with why Annie "fast on her lips?"

    I love how all these lips are so radical that they can do ALL THE STUFF at once. Like, whatever they're good at, they can do them at the same chewing gum while lip syncing. Seems like that might...get in the way with how your lips sync up. And what the heck, isn't lip syncing supposed to be scandalous?

    Anyway, these things scare me on a visceral level and I will see them forever in my nightmares, thank you.

    1. Yeah, I thought out of all four of them, Awesome Annie didn't really have much of a skill. Well, maybe moonwalking while skateboarding is pretty impressive, but lip syncing? I also like how Lance discovered mouths could physically leave the face (where they go on to get bodies of their own). I kinda wish my mouth would leave my face, just so I could hang out with him (and see his little outfit).

    2. Yeah, that little bit about how he found out mouths could leave faces is kinda...telling. Telling of a larger background story. What world are they from? Is it a dystopian future where mouths were so sick of being on faces that they all left? Is it a world where mouths live in thier own sovereign nation where they keep out all the poor mouthless bastards they left behind in the rest of the world? ...what are these mouths not telling us?

    3. They're telling us we need to drink some Tang. Oh wait, no mouths? Sorry. No Tang for you.